Please Stop Stealing Everything

To: All Employees
Re: Theft of Company Property

The use of company property for non-corporate (re: personal) functions is officially prohibited by the employee handbook. Examples of company property include coffee filters, paper clips, and money.

If you can believe it, The Higgs Weldon printed another thing that I wrote. Anyone who is principled and virtuous can read it and laugh at those who are lesser. Everyone else can read it and feel it speak to their lousy, thieving souls. It's called Please Stop Stealing Everything.

Songs are Sad in February 2014

I’m not really a “music fan.” I mean, I like music as much as the next guy, unless that guy has purchased an album at some point in the last decade, but what really gets me down are the songs. As soon as you start jamming lyrics where they don’t belong, any piece of music becomes a boring sadfest.

This month at The Higgs Weldon, we look at "I Want You Back," "I'll Make Love to You," and "She Loves You," among others. Next month, we'll take on whatever songs you suggest at songsaresad@thehiggsweldon.com

Unacceptable, Part 22

Two important things to note about this week's Unacceptable, available today on The Higgs Weldon:

1. It marks yet another crossover. At least our third, by my back-of-the-envelope reckoning. O Tannenbomb and Arson Welles are villains secondary to an idea so good that:
   1. I'm loathe to mention it, lest it be stolen, which is silly, and
   2. Someone else must have already done it, but still I like it.
2. There is literal evidence that I am the only one reading these stories. I suspect that visitors to The Higgs Weldon see "Part 22" and worry that even though I take the time to make each installment accessible to newcomers and explain who's who and what's what, they haven't read the previous 21 parts and so, by gum, they're not reading this one. They've got a perfect streak and this is no time to ruin it.

This is part 22 of a 4 part series, because I thought it would be funny to do a whole year's worth of a month of something, and when I was done I'd have a book of something. But when this started, I thought I was helping The Higgs Weldon out, and now I wonder if they're not still printing these things as a favor to me. Unfortunately, this week is the start of a new story, but you'll have to wait for the collection to check out the rest. Until then:

“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” I said, tears clouding my vision as I aimed an expensive handgun at Dennis, one of our office technicians.

Dennis had his hands up. He was slowly backing away from me and I was slowly moving towards him with the gun. It was new. Probably the best handgun I’d ever owned, and I brought it from home because it was so much better than the ones provided to us by the office and to them by the lowest bidder.

Read the rest of it here, at your leisure.

If you've got a thing that people like reading, maybe SUBMIT that to The Higgs Weldon yourself!

Unacceptable, Part 21

Oh man! The thrilling conclusion of the Warren Saga! You know, the current storyline in Unacceptable on The Higgs Weldon?

“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” I said to the blackjack dealer. “I want a new croupier!”

“I’m extremely sorry sir, but the hand has been invalidated,” said the blackjack dealer. “Your original bet has been returned.”

Blackjack? What about the Warren? You better check it out immediately!

Unacceptable, Part 20

Remember how good Unacceptable #7 was? Well I'm still snickering about #20. And not just because it features the return of Clive!

“I’m not trying to be difficult, but this is unacceptable,” I announced in the Denny’s at 888 Figuroa Street in downtown Los Angeles. I was addressing my waitress, Denise, who works the afternoon shift on Tuesdays, but I’m not kidding myself here; I had a problem with the service and the food and the parking and the bill and the other patrons, and I wanted all of them to know it.

Vanessa grabbed my sleeve and tried to pull me back into my chair, so that I would not draw unnecessary attention to me and my team of government spies that are so top secret and fancy that we never even call ourselves spies, we don’t even use that word, but I said no.

It's a good one. I think you'd like it. But you don't have to take my word for it!

And if you don't, then let's see you SUBMIT something better, smartso!